Major Medical Advance

When my doctor asks “What is your pain level on a scale of 1-10,” I get a deer in headlights expression.  If I say: 5 or less the doc may say, “Go home and take two Tylenol.” If I say 8-10, there’s a better chance of a prescription, an MRI, or referral to a specialist. But this is a thing of the past. 

There is a new major medical advance! In a recent hip replacement surgery, instead of the 1-10 question, the doc handed me a pain chart with eight emojis and asked my pain level by picking one of the faces. Like my mother-in-law would say playing bridge, “It’s so hard to know what to do.” 

The chart begins with a smiley face. I don’t think that belongs on a pain chart.  The smiley face slowly disappears toward mid-chart with an emotionless emoji. The mouth is horizontal to the ground. This should be the starting point though it emotes no pain. Already three emojis have been wasted. Next comes raised eyebrows, one, then two. After that, the mouth begins to zig-zag downward on one side and morphs into an upside- down U with two raised eyebrows and a frown. The final face looks like a truck just ran over one’s foot, with tears running down both cheeks. 

“Well, Doc, it’s hard to say. I think my mouth is zig-zagging down on the left with two raised eyebrows, and a tear trickling down. But I don’t know how to raise my eyebrows and frown at the same time. I don’t see my exact pain level, so I’m gonna go with the smiley face. It’s the closest to how I feel right now because the surgery is behind me and I have a new hip!”